Three REAL Cocaine Bear-like Movies and Three FAKE Movies Which Should Be Made

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| August 3, 2023

Cocaine Bear was released back in February. You know, that movie about a bear… on cocaine. It did exactly what it said on the tin. Not only was it an outrageous concept, but it was a moderate success at the box office, recouping approximately two-thirds of its estimated $35 million budget in its opening weekend in the US and Canada alone. 

It was heavily marketed in the weeks before its release. There was seldom a movie that didn’t show the trailer pre-feature. Commercial breaks during Premier League soccer games showed teasers constantly! But, honestly, I would have seen this anyway.

Cocaine Bear was a perfect blend of comedy, action, and gore. Is it going to win any Oscars? Absolutely not. But did I have a whale of a time, laughing, being shocked and feeling a mix of empathy and fear for a psychotic bear rampaging through the woods? Yup. With a terrific cast, including Ray Liotta (RIP) and character actress Margot Martindale, this film is one of the highlights of my year.

The simple notion of “But What If Animal Did Drugs” just became an easy pitch to publishers! So let’s go through some films that have been announced and some which could AND SHOULD be made!

Please Note: Production on these movies may or may not have started before the announcement of Cocaine Bear. I am also categorically not recommending these movies aside from Cocaine Bear. Don’t come at me y’all. 

1. Crackcoon (REAL)

It’s a PUPPET. A scary puppet, but a PUPPET

Have you ever wondered how a raccoon would react after taking copious amounts of synthetically altered crack? No?! Well, you’re about to find out.

After drug dealers discard a bag of designer drugs in the woods, an innocent woodland creature transforms into a homicidal, grotesque killer raccoon. This sounds awfully familiar, but this little guy is so unimposing and small; its surprise factor is hilarious. 

Judging by the trailer, the drug is also dangerous to humans, turning a homeless man into a raging zombie. Think Day of the Dead as opposed to 28 Days Later. Either way, be ready for gore, gore, and more gore. It’s one of those movies.

Loving that it’s practical and not bad CGI. Shoutout to puppet masters everywhere!

2. LSD Llama (FAKE)

What’s up, Frank?

A paranormal research institute investigating whether the correct cocktail of drugs can trigger the emergence of superpowers (you know, like Compound V from The Boys), uses the wrong mixture of chemicals on Batch 62 of Llama-o-rama. Batch 62, a dangerous mix that uses LSD as a base, causes hallucinations, fits of rage… and random teleportation!

It’s this ability that allows Subject 62-A, Frank, to escape. Frank has always been a gentle soul, but under the influence, he’s a menace, prone to headbutting, stomping and spitting at innocent civilians. Oh, and if he misjudges a teleport, he explodes people from the inside… so that’s a thing. 

Frank is voiced by Alan Tudyk, of course. 

3. Attack of the Meth Gator (REAL)

Those teeth look pretty sharp

Produced by The Asylum, the geniuses behind Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and the Z Nation television series, Attack of the Meth Gator was announced on the same day as Cocaine Bear’s release. 

The movie is based around the absurd notion that an alligator living in the sewers discovers flushed methamphetamine. The alligator in question becomes super strong and hyper-aggressive, going on a rampage in a nearby town. 

Weirdly, the idea came from a Tennessee police department report that discouraged people from flushing their drugs just in case alligators ingested them. 

4. Whippets on Whippets (FAKE)

Awww, look at the cute… OMG they’re CRAZY

A whippet is a hyperactive dog breed. A whippet is also another name for nitrous oxide capsules. Ever wonder what would happen when a pack of hyperactive dogs get high on drugs? Not me, I’m scared of dogs. But I’d be even more afraid of whippets on whippets.

After a van carrying a large seizure of designer whippets (the drug kind) crashes into a pound, 10 – 15 hyperactive dogs go to investigate. The canines inadvertently inhale copious amounts of the drug, turning the dogs into crazed maniacs and enhancing their speed and strength. 

Can the veterinarian with a heart of gold and the plucky patrolman band together with a former soldier whose dog was mistakenly picked up as a stray earlier in the night to stop the pack of dogs before anyone else can get hurt? Human or dog. 

5. Cocaine Cougar (REAL)

Woof. That CGI looks worse than the original Tron.

When a cougar, high on cocaine, escapes an animal testing facility, it wreaks havoc on L.A. By now, you’ve heard that setup before, and you know the type of movie this is going to be. Bad CGI, really bad acting and an excuse for silliness and gore.

The animal experimentation angle could be interesting, but if you give me a choice between Cocaine Bear, Cocaine Cougar or Cocaine Shark, then tweaker Yogi and Boo Boo always have my vote.

6. E-Elephant (FAKE)

E’s a good old elephant

A struggling traveling circus tries one last Hail Mary (sports!) to attract a new audience and save their business. The ringmaster, a former Chemistry major at college, and her best friend, the strongman, cook up a synthetic ecstasy powerful enough to take down a horse… or maybe one elephant.

As per usual, things don’t go as planned. Ebeneezer, the elephant, breaks free and embarks on a murder spree. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, Ebeneezer develops the Dumbo-like ability to fly, becoming high as a kite in more ways than one. Can Ebeneezer be stopped, and how long can his buzz last before the ultimate come down?

Are there any drug-animal crossovers you’d like to see? Let me know in the comments!

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